A few days ago a female friend of mine wanted to have 'the talk'. We have been friends for awhile and I noticed she kept trying to find ways to be closer and turn hang outs into romantic or intimate situations. Every movie suggestion started going from drama to romantic drama, from comedy to romantic comedy. Hang outs turned into miniature golf and any suggestions of inviting other friends drew apprehensive reactions or an excuse as to why nobody else should get an invite. Everything lead up to what women like to call 'the talk'.
Why shouldn't our relationship go to the next level? She's smart. She's beautiful. She likes my friends. But every time she wants to ask why we don't try being intimate I would make jokes, or back off, or worse, I'd be a little mean and drive her away for a little bit. All in the name of avoiding 'the talk'. I don't mean to but it has always been sort of a self-defense mechanism against someone getting too close that I don't want getting too close. Unfortunately it only drives them away temporarily. You see I'm not naturally mean so I apologize a day or two later and then will be sweet thus setting up a seductive quality of the Warm Coquette as described in Robert Greene's 'The Art of Seduction' (the chapter describing up Josephine Bonaparte's hot-cold play on Napoleon's emotions).
The same has been happening with a neighbor of mine who I regrettably got physically intimate with one night during a party with friends. I am subconsciously flirtatious with her and then I'll go a few days without speaking with her. I created a similar spell over her and fell into another situation where I had to explain my non-desire to be in a relationship with her.
This is not intended to be a guide for how to seduce someone with a hot-cold play on their desires to be involved with somebody else. This is merely an attempt to help women avoid guys who either don't desire the relationship or don't wish to be involved with them specifically. Don't hate these guys. Some, like myself, are unintentionally flirtatious in some situations but need to work on themselves a little more.
If a Guy wants to be involved he will pursue it
Guys who want to be in a relationship will make an attempt to be in a relationship with you. He'll send flowers, write notes, he'll call more, try to spend one on one time with you, even if you're out in a group setting. Most men are secretly passionate (when they see something they desire) and their pursuit will show a new side of them. Of course be wary. If you are friends with the guy make sure that these are not just friendly gestures. These attempts will be new and out of the normal character that you've gotten to know.
A Guy in pursuit will talk about it
They will! In one way shape or form they will talk about it. They'll drop hints to you in conversation. They may ask you what you look for in a guy and then assimilate themselves to the qualities you want. They may try to have 'the talk' with you. Of course it will be in our own language and you may have to do some interpreting. You're best bet in seeing if he has an interest in you will be to ask his friends. They'll have the best insight. I know when I'm interested in a girl I tell my friends and talk with them about her good qualities, negative qualities and whether we would mesh well together. I sometimes go as far as to asking her friends to see if she's mentioned me. A guy's friends will know if he's talked about you. You may just have to schmooze a little to get it out of them.
He'll find a way or a reason just to see you.
Admit it, when you want to be with someone you'll find an excuse to see them. I know. I drove 3 hours once just to see a girl (who at the time was living with her parents during a few weeks off from grad school). The extra effort really played well with her (and her parents). Someone in love will want to spend more time around the subject of their love just to ease that tension in their heart. They'll want to fill their soul with that persons spirit. Without that desire there has to be a reasonable doubt that that person wants to be with you. There must be an effort.
He may not be into you
Let's face it, Sometimes the other person just isn't that into you. You can't make everyone like you and we can't always believe we're the exception to the rule. You have to be prepared that you just aren't desired by the other person. And if that's the case maybe it's because you weren't meant to be together. When the chemistry is right both people will pursue the relationship. It will feel like a peice of the puzzle fitting together. It's the situation I'm in with the first woman. There is chemistry just not relationship chemistry. Honestly, I'm just not that into her. And she has been very persistant. There is a thing to be said about persistance. Sometimes it is the right way to go to be with somebody. But there is a fine line with persistance and smothering. Too much or too often can easily drive away a guy who isn't at the same level of readiness to move on as you are.
But the final line is if he wants to be with you he'll find a way. Pushing is never a good idea and suggesting that you have 'the talk' with a man that's shown no pursuit is the kiss of death and a possible blow to the friendship. I've had trouble talking to either woman since it's been brought up. It's been one uncomfortable situation since. Who knows? Maybe you are the exception to the rule and the guy needs some time to adjust some things in his life and be ready for to test the waters. Then you'll see a change and he'll call you up and ask if you'd like to talk about where you're relationship is going.
With hope ...
-The Boy Next Door