Monday, August 10, 2009

Who do you want to be

I firmly believe that the man you want to be is the man that you are inside. But the problem that faces many of us is how do you become that man. What are the obstacles? What are the solutions and path to become a more rounded, more charming and genuine man?

One of the problems that face us is our role models. The men we look up to. The guys we choose to hang out with. Let's face it, not every guy is or can be an alpha male. So who is the guy we choose. In my experience the alpha male of most groups is a guy that gets a lot of women. He always has one or two of them coming around and a few more who will show up at social outings. And why? A few reasons. It could be some women like his social status with other guys. They'll flock towards him because he is an Alpha. His confidence is a huge factor. He usually has no problem approaching and talking to women. It's hard not to follow a guy like that when you're single. He gets girls. That's what we all want. Not necessarily the sexual relationship with all the girls that they do. Admittedly that's attractive. The physical side of men includes a high sex drive and it's hard to admit it but we all fantasize about being a Casanova of sorts. But deep down the real reason we choose to hang around that Alpha is because he gets the girls. He'll attract beautiful, sweet, smart women and he'll mess around with them and lead them on. All the while you stand by and watch girl after girl do their best because, as they say, 'He can change'.

It's a frustrating cycle to watch. What's even worse is that we have to hear it straight from the girls themselves. They'll say something misguided like "Why can't I ever just meet a nice guy. All I ever meet are assholes." Um ... no. You meet plenty of nice guys. You get picked up by the jerks and allow yourselves to fall into the "I can change him" thinking. Well you can't. The thing about us is that we're not going to change unless we want to. The thing we must do as men is choose what we want to do. We can continue on trying to be like the alpha male and since we aren't we'll always play second fiddle to them. If you're not a player now you're just going to end up looking ridiculous trying to act like one. So change the guys you're around. Change your role models. Change who you're trying to act like. After you do that you are on your way into becoming the guy you really want to be.

The second step is trying to change your speech. If you talk negatively about women you're going to be a chauvinist. If all you do is talk about sex then your priority is going to be sex. If you talk about love and having a relationship then you're going to gear yourself towards that. When we talk about one thing regarding women it's like we're putting our thoughts and emotions through a personal brainwashing session. Then we just can't help jumping in when we're around other guys and they start talking about sex, how many women they've slept with or which girl they want to nail next. How many times have you heard that talk? You talk with a guy and you get going about how hot a girl is and how much you like her ass (or fill in the blank with certain sexual feature) and then get into how you would just like to just once ... well you get the picture.

Now think about a girl that you actually liked. One maybe you had feelings for. Would you ever talk about her like that? I usually find when there is a girl I actually like I end up thinking romantically. I think more about where I want to take her on dates and how I would like to charm her instead of taking her clothes off and getting in her pants.

Have you ever talked about a girl with a buddy who is in love or in a (good) relationship? What does he say. He might throw in a few comments about how hot she is but the majority of it comes down to what a great girl she is. He'll talk about how thoughtful a certain gift or act was. It's kind of refreshing to hear it. Most of the guys you're going to be around will just joke about women sexually. But if you're actually going to change into the man you want to be you'll have to use some restraint.

Learn charm. I'm not talking about putting on some bullcrap front Eddie Haskell crap. It has to be genuine and it has to be for her benefit not for yours. Tell her out of the blue that she makes you smile. Smile at women who you aren't interested in just to make them smile back and let them know you acknowledge them. Tell a woman how nice she looks. Try to notice subtle changes. Start off with women you don't find attractive and learn how they respond to simple gestures and compliments. Learn their body language after you smile at them. Then you'll find it becomes easier to do it to all women.

Most of all the overall goal is to not to become the man a woman is looking for but the man you want to be. After that the right girl will come around.

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