The Talk

A few days ago a female friend of mine wanted to have 'the talk'. We have been friends for awhile and I noticed she kept trying to find ways to be closer and turn hang outs into romantic or intimate situations. Every movie suggestion started going from drama to romantic drama, from comedy to romantic comedy. Hang outs turned into miniature golf and any suggestions of inviting other friends drew apprehensive reactions or an excuse as to why nobody else should get an invite. Everything lead up to what women like to call 'the talk'.

Why shouldn't our relationship go to the next level? She's smart. She's beautiful. She likes my friends. But every time she wants to ask why we don't try being intimate I would make jokes, or back off, or worse, I'd be a little mean and drive her away for a little bit. All in the name of avoiding 'the talk'. I don't mean to but it has always been sort of a self-defense mechanism against someone getting too close that I don't want getting too close. Unfortunately it only drives them away temporarily. You see I'm not naturally mean so I apologize a day or two later and then will be sweet thus setting up a seductive quality of the Warm Coquette as described in Robert Greene's 'The Art of Seduction' (the chapter describing up Josephine Bonaparte's hot-cold play on Napoleon's emotions).

The same has been happening with a neighbor of mine who I regrettably got physically intimate with one night during a party with friends. I am subconsciously flirtatious with her and then I'll go a few days without speaking with her. I created a similar spell over her and fell into another situation where I had to explain my non-desire to be in a relationship with her.

This is not intended to be a guide for how to seduce someone with a hot-cold play on their desires to be involved with somebody else. This is merely an attempt to help women avoid guys who either don't desire the relationship or don't wish to be involved with them specifically. Don't hate these guys. Some, like myself, are unintentionally flirtatious in some situations but need to work on themselves a little more.

If a Guy wants to be involved he will pursue it

Guys who want to be in a relationship will make an attempt to be in a relationship with you. He'll send flowers, write notes, he'll call more, try to spend one on one time with you, even if you're out in a group setting. Most men are secretly passionate (when they see something they desire) and their pursuit will show a new side of them. Of course be wary. If you are friends with the guy make sure that these are not just friendly gestures. These attempts will be new and out of the normal character that you've gotten to know.

A Guy in pursuit will talk about it

They will! In one way shape or form they will talk about it. They'll drop hints to you in conversation. They may ask you what you look for in a guy and then assimilate themselves to the qualities you want. They may try to have 'the talk' with you. Of course it will be in our own language and you may have to do some interpreting. You're best bet in seeing if he has an interest in you will be to ask his friends. They'll have the best insight. I know when I'm interested in a girl I tell my friends and talk with them about her good qualities, negative qualities and whether we would mesh well together. I sometimes go as far as to asking her friends to see if she's mentioned me. A guy's friends will know if he's talked about you. You may just have to schmooze a little to get it out of them.

He'll find a way or a reason just to see you.

Admit it, when you want to be with someone you'll find an excuse to see them. I know. I drove 3 hours once just to see a girl (who at the time was living with her parents during a few weeks off from grad school). The extra effort really played well with her (and her parents). Someone in love will want to spend more time around the subject of their love just to ease that tension in their heart. They'll want to fill their soul with that persons spirit. Without that desire there has to be a reasonable doubt that that person wants to be with you. There must be an effort.

He may not be into you

Let's face it, Sometimes the other person just isn't that into you. You can't make everyone like you and we can't always believe we're the exception to the rule. You have to be prepared that you just aren't desired by the other person. And if that's the case maybe it's because you weren't meant to be together. When the chemistry is right both people will pursue the relationship. It will feel like a peice of the puzzle fitting together. It's the situation I'm in with the first woman. There is chemistry just not relationship chemistry. Honestly, I'm just not that into her. And she has been very persistant. There is a thing to be said about persistance. Sometimes it is the right way to go to be with somebody. But there is a fine line with persistance and smothering. Too much or too often can easily drive away a guy who isn't at the same level of readiness to move on as you are.

But the final line is if he wants to be with you he'll find a way. Pushing is never a good idea and suggesting that you have 'the talk' with a man that's shown no pursuit is the kiss of death and a possible blow to the friendship. I've had trouble talking to either woman since it's been brought up. It's been one uncomfortable situation since. Who knows? Maybe you are the exception to the rule and the guy needs some time to adjust some things in his life and be ready for to test the waters. Then you'll see a change and he'll call you up and ask if you'd like to talk about where you're relationship is going.

With hope ...

-The Boy Next Door

How Important is Friendship?

I had an interesting talk with my brother-in-law today, a guy I respect very much for making it through the relationship and life struggles that many guys today go through. He was asking me how my life was going and asking what my relationship status was, which is a very common occurrence in my family. You see my family members have all been married by age 21. I'm a 27 year old guy who's only really been in love once, been in bad relationships a few times and casually dated a lot. So I'm kind of the black sheep of the family. Can you imagine ... not being married at 27? Yeah to most people they say ... "Whatever that's normal." But to a tight knit family? Yeah ... I'm weird.

Anyways before I get too far off the subject my brother-in-law Ryan was asking where I was at in life and I started telling him about my friend Terri who I've been hanging out with for about two months now. He wanted to know how that had been going. Well I tell him that I think she has feelings for me and wanted to take it to the next level but she has never come out and said anything directly and I'm afraid of what would happen if she did. I'm afraid that she wouldn't like my answer and our friendship would be lost. You see Terri has always dropped hints by telling me that she's never met anyone quite like me and that she doesn't know what she'd do without me. I usually end up changing the subject. But it has come up frequently and she once asked me what I required in a girlfriend.

Religion is very important in my family. So I require that to match up with whomever I date. Terri is an atheist. She says I believe in fairy tales. Well if I have kids one day I'll be teaching them religion and I don't need somebody else telling them it's make believe.

Sex drive. Terri has a very low ... almost non-existent sex drive. She's told me personally that she doesn't really like it. I have a very high sex drive. When I'm in a relationship I like to be physically intimate with my partner frequently. And I don't like to feel like I'm forcing it on them so I look for a person that has a similar sex drive. I've seen enough relationships sour because one person wants to be more physical than the other.

X-Factor. X-factor is that unexplained spark that you have when you are attracted to a woman and you just can't get your mind off of them. Something that drives you to want to be near them and talk to them all the time. That 'I can't stop thinking about you' spark. That 'I don't want to be near anybody else' spark.

Ryan wanted to know if we had been on any dates at all and I told him no. You see a few months ago I decided to stop casually dating off the bat and start seeing every woman I met as a friend first. Baby steps. I figured going out with a girl the first few times under a friend status might be a good approach since the way I had taken things before hadn't worked. I met better girls and I was able to weed out the ones that weren't worth my time. Starting out things as friends helped remove the love expectations that dating sometimes yield. I threw those off and realized most of the girls I might have gone on dates with before I could avoid because I could already tell that we weren't compatible. I realized the friendships with girls was vastly improving my relationships with women because I got all the positives of being friends and none of the negatives of failed relationships and bad break ups. And it never hurt to be the sweet guy that they want to introduce to their friends.

Finding the Right Girl

The older I get the more I look for love over lust. Maybe I am starting to realize the value of it. Or maybe I desire something more fulfilling.

As a younger man, as with most younger men, I had trouble differentiating between the two. You have sex with a girl, your feelings flow (as with other things) and you think you're in love. Because you've never had some of these emotions before you attribute it to you being in love. Young men (and some older ones) are in love with the idea of being in love. And out of that they'll make rash decisions like marriage with the wrong girl. I know this because I was almost that guy. Engaged and almost married at 19. I didn't even love the girl. I was in love with the thought of marriage and being in love. Looking back I realize how fortunate I was not to have married her. Cycles of wrong girl after wrong girl continued until I figured out recently how to look for the right one. It's not a fail proof method. But of course nothing involving love and relationships is.

Step 1: Recognizing when you're ready

What are you looking for? If you're in fun mode and you're not ready to settle down then this advice will not really be pertaining to you. And that's fine. Not every guy is ready to settle. Nor should they be. There's so much to do in life while you're young. Settling down can really put a delay on that. Or even a permanent stop. The main thing to consider is the girl. It's not fair to her to get involved if you aren't ready to. And if you aren't and you know it let the girl know your intentions. Trust me when I say they are actually pretty receptive to the honesty. I went out with this girl Britanny for a few months and I told her the first date that I wasn't getting into anything serious. She said that it wasn't something she was looking for. The next day she called me up and said that she was shocked and taken back by my honesty with the situation and would like to see me again. While we aren't going out now she still remains a good friend because I didn't lie or deceive her. But I knew then I just wasn't ready to commit to a girl. I wasn't able to put my heart into a relationship. When I turned the page and found myself desiring to be involved with somebody I started looking for a better woman. I know a few guys who talk about getting married to a girl right after they meet her. They 'fell in love' with her too quickly. What's really going on is that they have romanticized the thought being in love and being married. But they're not ready for marriage. So are you ready for marriage? Or the idea of it? You may not really know until you've met the right girl. Before you even get to that level ask yourself am I ready to be involved in a long term and meaningful relationship?

Step 2: Where to meet her

Let's face it when we go to a club or bar you're really not going to meet a relationship quality girl. In fact when you go to a bar how often are you looking for a girlfriend. Okay so we're just as guilty sometimes. Okay ... most of the time. So where do you go to meet a decent girl?

Coffee Shop - One of my personal favorites, the coffee shop has a very ideal setting. I like to take a book, grab a cup and read. Books are a great conversational piece. You can walk up to a girl in a coffee shop and start chatting just over the book she is currently reading or what she likes to read. The women in coffee shops are usually intelligent and have their lives together. The set up is ideal. Most coffee shops I've been to they play jazz or some sort of old 40's, which, even if that's not your type of music, it kind of sets the mood. On a good day they'll be playing Sinatra and come on ... what type of guy can't appreciate Sinatra? Another plus is girls secretly think it's attractive seeing a guy read a book (as long as it's not something raunchy or a comic book). Worst case scenario you leave without meeting a girl and you've educated yourself by reading. It's a win - win.

Gym - A lot of beautiful women go to the gym. A lot of in shape and athletic women are there. A lot of chances to workout next to and start conversations with them exist. Worst case scenario: You go home without meeting a girl but you get into shape. I know. Harsh right?

Sporting Events - What's better than meeting a girl who shares your passion for a sport or local team (especially if they wear black and gold). Most of these girls have a wild side (in a good way) and won't yell at you if you wanted to stay in and watch the game. Nothing wrong with that! Worse case scenario you leave without a number and you just enjoyed yourself by catching the game in person.

Your favorite activity - Let's face it the best way to meet a woman is to be doing what you love to do and have a random meeting with a girl who shares a similar passion, whether it be mountain biking or snowboarding or taking in a concert. Some of the best girls I've hung out with I met while doing something I love doing and started conversations from it. The point is if you do what you love and you meet a girl who loves the same then you already have an activity to share together.

Step 3: Figuring out if you match

So you've met a girl and you've started dating? How do you know if you're right with her? The truth of it is only time will tell. You have to give everything a chance. Remember some great relationships come out of two people not having anything in common and sharing the activities they love to do with the other. But most of all you need to find a girl that makes you smile when you are with her. One that takes over your thoughts in the morning. A woman that makes you a better person when you are with her and more importantly when you aren't with her, just because she is yours.

Who do you want to be

I firmly believe that the man you want to be is the man that you are inside. But the problem that faces many of us is how do you become that man. What are the obstacles? What are the solutions and path to become a more rounded, more charming and genuine man?

One of the problems that face us is our role models. The men we look up to. The guys we choose to hang out with. Let's face it, not every guy is or can be an alpha male. So who is the guy we choose. In my experience the alpha male of most groups is a guy that gets a lot of women. He always has one or two of them coming around and a few more who will show up at social outings. And why? A few reasons. It could be some women like his social status with other guys. They'll flock towards him because he is an Alpha. His confidence is a huge factor. He usually has no problem approaching and talking to women. It's hard not to follow a guy like that when you're single. He gets girls. That's what we all want. Not necessarily the sexual relationship with all the girls that they do. Admittedly that's attractive. The physical side of men includes a high sex drive and it's hard to admit it but we all fantasize about being a Casanova of sorts. But deep down the real reason we choose to hang around that Alpha is because he gets the girls. He'll attract beautiful, sweet, smart women and he'll mess around with them and lead them on. All the while you stand by and watch girl after girl do their best because, as they say, 'He can change'.

It's a frustrating cycle to watch. What's even worse is that we have to hear it straight from the girls themselves. They'll say something misguided like "Why can't I ever just meet a nice guy. All I ever meet are assholes." Um ... no. You meet plenty of nice guys. You get picked up by the jerks and allow yourselves to fall into the "I can change him" thinking. Well you can't. The thing about us is that we're not going to change unless we want to. The thing we must do as men is choose what we want to do. We can continue on trying to be like the alpha male and since we aren't we'll always play second fiddle to them. If you're not a player now you're just going to end up looking ridiculous trying to act like one. So change the guys you're around. Change your role models. Change who you're trying to act like. After you do that you are on your way into becoming the guy you really want to be.

The second step is trying to change your speech. If you talk negatively about women you're going to be a chauvinist. If all you do is talk about sex then your priority is going to be sex. If you talk about love and having a relationship then you're going to gear yourself towards that. When we talk about one thing regarding women it's like we're putting our thoughts and emotions through a personal brainwashing session. Then we just can't help jumping in when we're around other guys and they start talking about sex, how many women they've slept with or which girl they want to nail next. How many times have you heard that talk? You talk with a guy and you get going about how hot a girl is and how much you like her ass (or fill in the blank with certain sexual feature) and then get into how you would just like to just once ... well you get the picture.

Now think about a girl that you actually liked. One maybe you had feelings for. Would you ever talk about her like that? I usually find when there is a girl I actually like I end up thinking romantically. I think more about where I want to take her on dates and how I would like to charm her instead of taking her clothes off and getting in her pants.

Have you ever talked about a girl with a buddy who is in love or in a (good) relationship? What does he say. He might throw in a few comments about how hot she is but the majority of it comes down to what a great girl she is. He'll talk about how thoughtful a certain gift or act was. It's kind of refreshing to hear it. Most of the guys you're going to be around will just joke about women sexually. But if you're actually going to change into the man you want to be you'll have to use some restraint.

Learn charm. I'm not talking about putting on some bullcrap front Eddie Haskell crap. It has to be genuine and it has to be for her benefit not for yours. Tell her out of the blue that she makes you smile. Smile at women who you aren't interested in just to make them smile back and let them know you acknowledge them. Tell a woman how nice she looks. Try to notice subtle changes. Start off with women you don't find attractive and learn how they respond to simple gestures and compliments. Learn their body language after you smile at them. Then you'll find it becomes easier to do it to all women.

Most of all the overall goal is to not to become the man a woman is looking for but the man you want to be. After that the right girl will come around.

Who Is Prince Charming

The idea for this blog came from watching a movie. It was a movie with romantic undertones to it. I’m not afraid to admit, among many other things, I am a romantic at heart. The main character in the movie was a man who possessed many desirable qualities. Manly qualities. But not on a 'movie' level where the main character is portrayed in a desirable light with unachievable traits because either his life is perfect or the sequence of events in the movie are so perfect that it is unbelievable to think it could happen in real life. No. This main character had his faults. But he was a decent guy. He was an honest guy. He was a hardworking and motivated guy. He was one of those genuine people you meet in the world that make you just want to be a better person yourself. And that’s where I’m at. In my life and my situation it was the right movie at the right time. I know at this point you may want to just scream “bloody tell us the movie already” but I won’t. I don’t want it to take away from this message. But I’ll include it later in a list of movies for for guys to watch (that girls already love). And please no … it’s not the Notebook (that’s way too sappy for me).

My goal is not to become the character but to make myself and others better men and to share what I’ve learned and experienced along the way, possibly answering a few of your questions in the process to help you through whatever you may be going through. It’s also to share a guy’s insight with girls: the good, the bad, the downright evil and the hope for the future. Love is a process … but a process involved with many chances, some really good timing, and a little bit of magic. It takes work and it takes putting yourself out on an uncomfortable ledge every now and then and just leaping. Every one falls … every one gets hurt … but you just have to keep taking the chance and hoping someone catches you.

As for me I’ve been the quiet guy. I’ve been the overly nice pushover. I turned myself into the asshole (because it got me laid). I became the player. And I’ve made many countless mistakes in love and relationships. But none of it was who I wanted to be. I’ve always wanted to just be a nice guy who did what I enjoyed and hoped people liked me for it. I wanted to be the successful, motivated man who was charming because I wanted people to feel good about themselves not because I had an ulterior motive. And then I realized who I wanted to be inside was who I am. I just had to work on it.

Maybe you’ll read this site and think I’m full of it or just plain crazy. Or maybe you’ll see a transformation and find something out about yourself in the process. All I can do is write what I see and feel and hope it brings something to you.

-The Boy Next Door